Tears In the Dead of the Night

The thought of the jump came randomly. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to look forward to and everything to look back at.

I wonder why these thoughts come to me at random times in the day. I don’t feel sad about it, neither do I feel happy. I feel nothing. I am numb to the pain and the happiness. Disinterested in the things that once brought me immense joy and pleasure.

My heart; it keeps me alive, but at the same time- is dead.

My mind; it can’t stop racing. Always trying to figure out what is going on and trying to fix everything.

My soul; it seems to have drifted off to another reality because it cannot tolerate my toxic thoughts and actions anymore.

My mistakes; oh how they continue to haunt me and linger like a shadow. Even in the dead of the night, they appear in the little light my soul left me to keep me going.

My body;  an empty vessel but at the same time, a home to the scars of my past wrong-doings, the heart that only barely keeps me alive and the mind that will not give me peace.

I yearn to one day feel whole again. I yearn for the simple ability to enjoy life and fully appreciate it. I may be love and light, but I seem to have welcomed a malevolent spirit eager to break me from within.

“Let it happen” the music and night wind whisper to me… but if I did-

 

But if I did then I would no longer be.