31-07-2017

On Life And Will

It’s 3:50 am and as usual- I can’t sleep. I decided to play a song on my playlist that I usually skip on a normal day.

Every time I listen to that song I played when I really decided that life wasn’t worth living anymore, I get mixed feelings. A lot of questions start running through my mind; what would have happened if the pharmacy had 5 packs of pills? What would have happened if I had decided to close my eyes and ignore the feeling of my consciousness slowly slipping away? What would have happened if I wasn’t into research and hadn’t taken the time to find out how much to take- enough to incapacitate me but not enough to kill me? It’s 3:50 am and as usual I can’t sleep. I decided to play a song on my playlist that I usually skip on a normal day. But today is not a normal day- today I decide to investigate the “why” behind my actions. Not that I haven’t been doing that, but today I really want to understand myself.

I want to understand why I love solitude;yet abhor it in the same breath. I want to understand why breathing in the night air brings so much relief, yet I still enjoy filling my lungs with medicated poison. I want to understand why love confuses me and frustrates me; yet I still yearn for it. Most of all, I want to understand why I lost the will to live.

Growing up, I’ve always imagined myself growing to become a successful businesswoman; a homemaker; a performer; a loving wife and mother; a spinster who doesn’t have time for love; a retired music teacher who makes wine in her free time and a philanthropist with more money than she knows what to do with. But over the years, my visions of myself have reduced to indiscernible and confused thoughts and now; nothing. I don’t see myself with loads of money or a successful career, some kids and a husband or a life partner; I see nothing.

Now this could be because of a myriad of things. Maybe I grew up and realised adulthood isn’t at all what it’s cracked up to be.  Maybe I picked up some habits along the way that are hindering my ability to appreciate what I have in life now. Or maybe, I’ve lost the will to live.

It might be hard for a lot of people to understand this. I also don’t understand it; I just feel it. Some days, I wake up and I feel absolutely fine and then I don’t. Some days I don’t feel fine. Some days I wish I could just drift off into blissful nothingness and stay there for a while; see what it’s like on the other side.

If you started reading this hoping for a guide or some tips on how to NOT feel like giving up on life; I’m sorry, you need to speak to someone about that. I clearly don’t have any answers for you. What I can say is that it’s not our fault that we feel this way. It takes time, practice and a whole lot of soul-searching to find at least one thing that is worth living for; one thing that is worth fighting for or holding on for. As for me, it’s 4:30am and because I can’t sleep and I’m out of words to write, I plan on going back to listening to the song that guided me through my venture into the world of no return.

Good morning.

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